Is it just for this one day?
Yes!
Why? Why only one single day?
Because your life has prepared you for this!
My whole life? For one single day?
What would you like to know?

 

I have wept millions of tears. Suffered unspeakable pain. Recited. Qualified. Belonged. Had spoken. Plain. Fair. Soft. Wrongful. Unjustly. Clamorous. I have injured others without knowing. Many have come, nobody remained. My childhood - a dream from I did not awake. My youth - A dream I tried to understand my childhood. Wasted in hopes. Prophets came and went. There were teachers. And there were pupils. None of both knew more than the other. They all searched. We lived each others past. Searched each other. And found ourselves searching.

I have kissed thousands of lips. I have touched thousands of bodies. I was full of longing, and I was nauseated by this longing, because it was just arbitrary desire. I have denied and addicted myself. I have died hundred times. And hundred times revived. I searched consolation in religions. I searched consolation in love. And from love I searched consolation in newer and newer love. I looked for love. And met its death. I looked for life. And also there - I met the death.

So many times, so many times.

 

I became old and feeble under the weightiness of all the corpses which accumulated inside me. Each of those I met took something away. Some left something there. Some of it was valuable. However, thus a lot was a rubbish of her own life. Nobody wanted it. I have preserved it. Till this day. Preserved as a treasure.
How many words have I said? How many heard? How many written? I do not know it any more. So a lot qualified. So forget a lot.

No, I regret nothing. I have done my best. Often I did not know what should be the best. And has still acted. Was this wrong? How to do that, to be human? Did I have a choice? 

When my father met my mother - what there thought? Was I the egg? Or the seed? Why I have hurried up so much? Why I wanted to be the first one? I don`t remember any more.
Am I not like a seminal grain? For decades I paused in the damp darkness of the earth. Waited for the convenient moment. So infinite, so unbearably long. I felt the rain. The sun. The moon and the stars. Nights and days. They originate. And pass.
I`ve waited. I do not know which for. It felt like life.

Others said: This is your life! Sometimes I thought, or conjectured I feel it. It what so real. Because it ached. Or because I was happy. When happend this? Do you remember?

Yes, I know. But you have to tell me.

There was a kiss. First because of love. Or at least it felt thus. I was young. And falls in love. I thought, this is for good. It did not outlast the next day. There was a touch. It went deeper than the others. I felt my soul. Oh, there you are - Welcome.

Where have you hidden? She did not answer. Never. And often I was afraid, feared I could die. Without answers. Without echos of my tendons. I forgot what I wished. It seemed as if there was nothing. I tried to remember.
Something was hidden behind an unseenly wall. Built by many. To many others who felt themselves caught. And nevertheless - they built these walls by themselves. And sometimes I heard a whisper. Quite quiet, far away.

Where are you?
It whispered.
I am here!
I shouted in the darkness.
And the whisper died in my shout.

And now you are there. Sits beside my bed. Takes my hand and says:  

You still have one single day!
 

You must be not afraid!
Will it hurt?
This depends on it!
From what?
Whether you are afraid or not!
Will it hurt if I am afraid?
Yes!
What can I do? I am afraid!
Attempt to overcome it!
How?
Remember:
This is your last day. If you are afraid, you will spend this day in fear. If you have faith, this day will be your entire life!

I do not understand all that!
I know. Nobody does!

Are YOU mine?
No!
Where do you come from?
I come from nowhere. I was always there!
Who are you?
Whom would you wish I am?
Are you she?

Have you not known this? Have you not belonged? Not looked? I am the first one you`ve kissed. The first one you`ve touched. The first one who left you to come back. I am the first you`ve made love with. The first because of you cried. The first because of you smiled. I was there when you were born. And I will be there when you die. I was always with you. And you was always with me!

But today will you leave me?  

Yes!
For good?
Yes, for good!
Is she there?
Yes she is!
Where is she?
Would you like to see her?
Yes!

 

I close my eyes, looking for answers in my exhausted mind, but my heart beats too loud. Too loud and flutteringly.

May I ask one more question?
Certainly!
Where she was?
Behind you!
I don`t understand?
She was always behind you, but you could not see her, because you have never turned round.
But I have!
You thought! But, if it is a consolation to you:
You also were always behind her. And also she has never turned round.

What does it teach?
Look forwards! The future is always tomorrow. And it says: Behind you lies the past! All the same, something is hidden. The present clings up incessantly to your back. You feel it, but you don`t believe it. Because you are only able to learn something if you already know a little about it. And in such a way...
One waits for the other. A whole life.

How much time does she still have?
One single day!
Like me?
Like you!

She still holds my hand.

I get up from my bed.

My legs tremble.
She leads me to the door.

Open it! she whispers.
What will happen?
What ever you wish!
What about her?
She will wish what you wish, she will dream what you imagine, she will be whom you always wanted, always wanted to be with, because this is everything she  wishes. She is your dream in your reality, like you are the reality in her dreams!

 

I am afraid!
I know, just like her!
I don`t want to be afraid! 

And that`s what she wants!

 

 

She lets my hand and breathes quietly -
Open the door!