I have often dreamed.
Dreamed of
you.
I always
saw you from behind.
You had a
face for all the others.
Your voice was batting. Your laughter the hollow ring of distant bells. And your smell was silent as woodlice, hidden under damp stones. Your voice an echo of my own thoughts.
What did you say?
What did you say?
I have often dreamed.
I dreamed you.
My skin, my hair.
Like grass.
Insects buzzing behind my eyes.
A dwarf dances on my eyelids and sings always the same song. The melody is like the constant noise of ocean waves,
lurk behind moldy walls hidden treasures. Nobody will ever
find it. For nothing is harder to detect as
love.
I sneak around you. You've noticed it. And turn around.
The
dwarf pressures his palms firmly against
my eyeballs. I recognize an unknown solar system. I stretch my hand out of it.
A silver
ring slips silently and smoothly on my thumb.
A faint glow.
Something is wrong.
A whisper
A
breathe
Your voice.
Your voice.
What do you feel?
It is
warm.
Where is the center?
In my
stomach, it feels swollen.
I know,
don`t be afraid. Don`t be afraid.
The ringing of your voice surrounds me like oily water. Woodlice crawling in my nose. I breathe in and find you again. I see a leather belt in your hand. In your beautiful hand. Slender fingers. Milk-white skin. Small moons under your nails.
The belt is old. Cracked leather. The buckle is a silver baby, clutching a
golden knife with his hands.
You stare at
me. But my eyes are dim. The dwarf is rubbing
Vaseline into it. I should not see.
You are a shadow of light. This shadow ties my hands behind my back.
Does it hurt?
I know this pain.
Do you think
that I should do it?
Will I bleed?
Sure. A lot.
You will gush like a fountain. You`re the source of all that. And I'll bring that source to dry up. You've wasted your life.
An almighty din flooded my
head. Gets louder. I can`t hear
you.
What`s the significance of the ring?
I whisper.
I wear the same on my thumb. He is from God.
God?
You promised. You always wanted to be with me. Never without me. You lit a candle. And your hands folded in prayer. Of whom if not for
God?
I look for this memory. A little pale blue lies as a sheet about my thoughts.
Nausea.
You undress me.
Naked and cold, I expect the first cut. The knife is sharp. It feels hot.
The pain is waiting. At his appearance.
Curtain up.
The universe collapses into itself. I fall into blackness. The pain gets a body. Surrounds
me. Suck me into itself.
Tugs at my tongue, my teeth, slides into my
throat, my stomach. Explodes. Remains a short eternity. I want to scream.
But you
shove one of your breasts into my mouth.
I taste your
skin, your bittersweet sweat.
Your
hope
Your
fear
Your
faith.
I taste your love. I suck your love into me.
I drink your fear. Your fear is weak. You lose.
Your hope is strong.
Your faith is strong.
And I bleed. Blood runs out of me. Over my legs. My feet.
I am standing in a pool of blood.
I feel your hand. You hold my head, feed me with your love.
Don`t be
afraid.
You
wisper.
With your other hand you reach into me. Your slender fingers looking for.
Deep.
Deeper. Find. Enclose. Hold.
My skin is cold. Maggots crawl at my feet, leave a trace of eggs from which hatch other
maggots. My blood begets life. Maggots. Caterpillars.
Burst. Mucus and pus. And
butterflies.
Black butterfly with bloodstained wings.
I close my
eyes.
You still hold me tight.
Your sore
nipple in my mouth. Your breath on my ear. Your hand inside me.
Now.
You pull
something out of me. Slowly.
Long filaments gliding through my body. From everywhere. A spanish galley floats through my mind.
Resolution.
Redemption.
Knowledge.
No. No.
You were not. Never. Not from the first moment.
It was
wrong.
Every word.
Every promise.
Caught.
A prison of flesh. Skin. Bone. Organs.
A prison of flesh. Skin. Bone. Organs.
It's over. Nothing is true. Nothing is a lie.
What is
truth?
The dwarf opens my clotty eyes. The noise becomes silent. I can`t hear his song any more. I am alone. Standing in a sea of blood. My blood. In my mouth the taste of your doomed love.
Your doomed hope.
Your doomed fear.
Cling my belly with both hands. From my navel snakes a thin band of cartilage and tendons. On the blood-soaked floor lies inert a fetus. As small as a mouse. It is the other end of the line.
It is a girl. And it is dead.
Tears swell in my eyes.
I know it now.
You had to be born to die.
You wanted to live. But I did not knew.
It was always your voice. Your face. Your scent.
I tear the cartilage rope out of my navel.
No, I can`t leave you. Can`t let you go.
We are one.
I bow down and take the fetus in my hands. It is warm. I wrap the umbilical cord around the tiny body, put it in my mouth and swallow it.
I get dressed.
Leave the room.
It's bright outside.
I seek for my life.
Cling my belly with both hands. From my navel snakes a thin band of cartilage and tendons. On the blood-soaked floor lies inert a fetus. As small as a mouse. It is the other end of the line.
It is a girl. And it is dead.
Tears swell in my eyes.
I know it now.
You had to be born to die.
You wanted to live. But I did not knew.
It was always your voice. Your face. Your scent.
I tear the cartilage rope out of my navel.
No, I can`t leave you. Can`t let you go.
We are one.
I bow down and take the fetus in my hands. It is warm. I wrap the umbilical cord around the tiny body, put it in my mouth and swallow it.
I get dressed.
Leave the room.
It's bright outside.
I seek for my life.
P
